After THAT video...

It's funny, I worried myself silly about recording the video discussing my battle with anorexia nervosa. I was so worried that I barely slept Friday night, which then put me on a bit of a downer all day Saturday. Once I bit the bullet and recorded the video, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted and a huge sense of relief. Since accepting that I had anorexia nervosa, there is only 1 person that I've opened up to and felt comfortable discussing it with. The person I decided to open up to was Jenx (a very special friend that i've known all my life), Jenx has always had this calming, open and trusting way about him, that made me open up to him, without even thinking twice. Jenx was absolutely amazing, he is a PT himself, so he's seen it quite a lot with his own clients, this meant he was really sensitive, informative and most of all he listened. I felt like "hallelujah someone actually get's it"!!! instead of just telling me to "EAT MORE." Yesterday after he'd seen my video, he messaged me right away checking I was ok etc, which just sums up the kind of person that he is, and that is why he will always be like another brother to me.

Since uploading the video I've had so much support and positivity thrown my way, that it's completely reassured me and my decision to record such a video. I am immensely lucky and I feel so blessed to have such positive people around me, which I think has made such a positive impact on my road to recovery. Throughout my struggles, I didn't once think about how my behaviour (disorder) was affecting the people around me, all I cared about was food, calories, getting fat, losing more weight and working out. I now look back and feel immense sadness, although I know that I wasn't intentionally trying to hurt them, I was consumed by this disorder that was slowly destroying every aspect of my life. The more time went on, the more I slipped into dark times, where I just felt sad, upset, miserable, angry and lonely ALL of the time. I would often cry to myself asking "why can't I just be normal? why can't I just go on a night out, eat out, have a dominos?!?!?!?!" I was convinced that that was my life now and that I should just accept that. Whenever I think back to those times, I feel scared and sad, I never want to feel like that or put any of my family and friends through that again, but I can't guarantee that I won't. The thing with any disorder is that it never goes away, it always lingers and that is my biggest fear, I may be fine at the moment, but what's to say that it won't take hold of me again?!. I take each day as it comes now and just reassure myself whenever I feel like I'm slipping slightly, it seems to work anyway.

I swear these blogs and videos are like therapy for me, cheaper than a counsellor anyways!!! I've realised the past few days, just how important blogging and recording videos is to me, I look forward to telling/updating you all about my days/training/diet. I find it difficult discussing my feelings and what I'm thinking, but writing a blog helps me to put all of those feelings and thoughts in order, while expressing them openly and as honestly as I can.

If anyone reading this feels they may be suffering from anorexia nervosa then know that you are not alone and this isn't your life now, times WILL get better once you accept that you have it and confide in someone you trust. If you are reading this and know of someone who may be suffering from it, then just make them aware that your there to support and guide them, approach it with sensitivity, do your research and gain knowledge about the disorder and lastly, seek advice if needed.